A good day to look in the mirrior

The only people who are angry at me for speaking the truth are those who are living a lie. They keep us at a distance because they realize that a good memory is their worst enemy. They use whatever means necessary (including using and manipulating their own children) to achieve the farce they wish the world to see. They try to rewrite history either to make themselves sound grandiose or to make themselves the hapless victim of life's unfortunate circumstances. After they have trampled on and squelched out anyone they deem an "enemy," they continue on their merry way as if nothing wrong ever occurred. They do not look back at the road of destruction they left behind, no they only see that everyone else should pardon them, should excuse their behavior if they don't they scream that "those are the people who are in the wrong." They see those who have forgiven them (even though they would never apologize in the first place, nor do they offer forgiveness themselves) as people who should also forget what was done. They do not acknowledge that what happened (and is continuing to happen) is not okay. They continue to push the concept that simple contact equals conflict, but that is only because of how they react. They hate us because of the way other people love us. They make fun of people but they are more or less in the same boat, and sometimes worse off than those they make fun of...so maybe they should look in the mirror first. Their complete lack of responsibility for the situations they created leads one to conclude they may just be mentally unhinged. This blog is about my experiences and how I saw things happen, but that they feel as if they have to defend themselves, it really must be their conscience talking (it is nice to know they still have a conscience, maybe their hearts will one day soften). But this most likely won't happen due to this very reason. "When a Narcissist's family seeks to attack someone's credibility, to protect the narcissist, they are enablers. They have been repeatedly manipulated and used by narcissists. Enablers protect the bad things that the narcissist has done and they blame and accuse others if the Narcissist begins to act out. He can be the most abusive person in the world, but if he has enablers, such as his children, makes him feel more powerful (even though he is nothing but weak) because none of them tell him to stop. It never even entered my mind to think of my uncle as a narcissist, until one day when my cousin accused other people of being narcissistic and started spreading information about narcissists. And it makes perfect sense now, how they try to project their own character as ours and try to project our character as theirs (pretending to be us). They do anything they can to turn the situation away from themselves claiming that all "fingers" pointed their way are really the other persons...atypical. Interesting that they always point fingers at others but when someone finally says, "wait a minute" and points a finger back, they post about four fingers are pointing back at other people (maybe they should take their own advice). Maybe that advice was for my cousin, all those fingers pointing back at her because of all her finger-pointing. For years they have pointed fingers, bullied, and put down others and now that we are standing up for ourselves and telling them their actions and behaviors are inappropriate, they are doing anything they can to destroy us. It has taken years to recognize that they like to provoke negative emotions in others in order to get a reaction. They say inappropriate or insensitive things and will often do something cruel. They then shame those emotions by claiming the one who called them out is crazy, overreacting, or overdramatic, etc. They want others to feel as if their emotions are wrong. They can say and do whatever they want, but no one is allowed to say or do anything to stand up to it. They have a whole set of rules for others but follow none of their own rules. The ugliness showed by them, the shunning, the vile letters, the crude jokes, their cruel actions the hypocritical nature of their lives, towards my family and others that they target is a mirror; a reflection as to how they see themselves. They would like nothing more than for my family to fall apart, so they continue to try to harm us because it distracts them from the horrible way they feel about themselves inside. They have nothing good to say about us and want us to "move on" but in reality moving on for them means being silenced, not talking about the truth. However, that is part of moving on, telling the other side of the story, and being heard. They cannot stand that we are happy, that we make it through the tough times stronger than we were before. The problem is with them, not with us. They cannot silence us no matter how much they would like to. They love to shout out to the world that we are the ones with the problems, that "they are happy" and we are not, they try to condemn us when we express our feelings about what has happened and tell us we are wrong for having those feelings because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. Because they are the ones with the problem, they are the ones who will never be able to go to family counseling, they are the ones who make the dramatic scenes, they are the ones who cannot stop looking at us, stalking us. Contact does not equal conflict on our end, maybe they should look in the mirror. They complain and complain, so many have done thousands of things for them and yet all they can do is complain about the 1 or 2 things that weren't done for them. They will try and change the narrative of everyone and try and change those around them instead of changing themselves because they are toxic people.

A good day for remembering

The world has been told my aunt and uncle "saved" Jim from an abusive situation, they will show how they took stepchildren to court and supposedly won. But the side of the story that has not been told is that Jim was not abused by his StepChildren. He was happy, he loved his stepchildren of more than 20 years. Since I was little, I remember occasionally visiting Uncle Jim and Aunt Vi, I was on a religious mission when she passed away and was not able to attend her funeral. Right after my mission, my family went down a few times to see "Uncle" Jim (he was my Great Uncle). He was happy though a bit lonely, he missed Vi and talked about her a lot. My favorite things when we would visit were the avocados he always freely gave, and the stories he would tell about how Vi chose out the red velvet wallpaper. Jim had a family trust that was being overseen by Jan, and he would go to the assisted living home during the day to be part of the social activities. That was in 2008-2009 visits. The Mullins family isn't known for keeping close contact, but they do keep some contact. One day my Mum got a phone call that Uncle Jim had been kidnapped from the assisted living home. Someone using a false name (which turned out to be my cousin) checked him out. This was under the clause that he was being abused. Subsequently, the family trust was broken, and everything including the truck driven by Jan was turned over to my Aunt and Uncle. When my Grandma and Mum finally figured out where Jim was, we went to visit my aunt and uncle's home to find out what was going on. My uncle was not at home, it was just my aunt and Uncle Jim, Jim seemed confused as to the situation, though my aunt insisted that he was fine and had been checked out by my cousin's doctor. I remember being in my aunt's family room area, she in the kitchen chopping peppers and other vegetables, I thought it odd that she would not come and sit to talk with us, just interject small remarks so that Jim couldn't answer. After stating that Jim had been checked out by the doctor, my aunt came over and yelled at my Grandma, Mum and me, telling us to get out of her home. My mum stood up and followed by my Grandma, Uncle Jim and myself. As we walked towards the front door, I saw with my own eyes my aunt push my mum down the stairs/porch. I ran past my Grandma and saw my mums arm shielding her face as my aunt clawed at her, as I approached, my mum swung her purse at my aunt to stop her attacks. One would think that after all those posts they put about "treating others" they would take their own advice, especially the treatment of her mother and sister. (It makes me wonder if she thought about the savior dying for the football player who she wrote lies about before she did that...or if he thought about all the people who he double sold his mattresses to and scammed them or if the kids thought about what effect their name shaming would have on their family years later...guess they weren't thinking about Jesus dying for others when they did those things) I have to pause here, because to the world, they have been told that I came and held my aunt down while my mum beat her which is a bald-faced lie. What really happened was that I jumped in between them, and yelled STOP! and pushed them apart. My aunt's clawing scratched my wrist and broke a pearl bracelet of mine, and I was hit in the back by my Mum's purse. Again I pause because some might wonder why the police weren't called, I would agree if my aunt had been truly beaten up, why weren't the police called... but as it stood, my Grandma, came down the stairs and scolded both her children as if they were little girls again. For that is what this squabble could be called. I went in search of my pearls, and then my Grandma, Mum and I left. Everything surrounding Jim became shrouded, even more, Lawyers were brought in, when my Grandma tried to see him again, she was denied. When the family (my Mum's Brother, Grandma and Her) tried to have a family council, my uncle did what he did best, he knew that if he stared at my Grandma's chest, she would become upset and the meeting would not happen and he would look "innocent" able to say "I did nothing wrong." (He had told my Mum years before that staring at women's boobs was an intimidation tactic) I pause again here, to the world my uncle "claims" he was called a "child molester" he also "claims" his vehicle was keyed during and after this meeting. What my Grandma said was "stop acting like your convicted child molesting father" and no one in my family keyed their car. Though at the time, my Mum's vehicle had a nice scratch on it after my cousin was seen walking very fast by her car in a grocery parking lot. So fast forward to when my aunt got a stake calling to teach family history at the LDS institute building. I am not sure if my aunt's family believes in divine revelation... Before I knew that she was teaching that course, I was called to be a family history consultant, I was told to take the course during the week and teach what had been taught on Sunday. When I found out that my aunt was teaching the course, I voiced my concern to my Bishop, who told me "God works in mysterious ways" and that this might be the start to healing for our families, having something in common, she could teach me a lot. Instead, a campaign was waged against me, and when I went to defend myself a verdict were already made. I had done nothing wrong in going to her class, it was unfortunate that she chose to cancel the class because of her anger toward me and my family. They held onto "this" and used it against my family when we went to visit Uncle Jim and my cousin suddenly appeared to "take him away." Before Jim had told my Grandma that he had no money so my Sweet Grandma gave him money from her purse, she always kept a few dollars in her purse for an emergency. Again I pause and ask, If my aunt, uncle and their family were so concerned about Jim's welfare, why did they never contact any of the other cousin's. According to a letter, my uncle "claims" they did, but each cousin was personally contacted and asked if they knew anything about Jim, they did not. My uncle nor aunt told anyone that they were taking Jim's kids to court. My aunt and uncle tornadoed their way through and have no remorse for the destruction they left behind. No, they don't want to tell the part where they were older themselves with Grandkids and such, they don't want the world to know that Jim's stepson and he would have races with walkers (because he used one as well). And they certainly do not want the world to know that the rest of their family's blame them for the stress they put on his stepkids. The stress was considered to be contributing factors to their subsequent deaths. No, they only want to look like they were the "only" ones to have been able to "save" Uncle Jim, they were the only ones "capable" of taking care of his expenses, all money saved away for my greataunt's family taken from them. And to the world, they project that everyone else is the money grabber, that everything is always everyone else's fault. But yet the evidence points to them receiving all the money, they are the perpetrators who sued their own family, they are the liars, they are the ones who started the Emotional Trauma, funny how auntie sue was loved by her family and all she did was be rebellious and bitter, not taking accountability for her actions, pointing fingers at her sister and brother, instead of being a good sister, she instead was a horrible one and it transcends into the generations of their family, the fighting, the suicides, the divorces, the leaving of religion, the brokenness and lies they tell themselves as they look down their noses because they cannot handle the truth. They wouldn't go to family counseling, they wouldn't work with religious leaders when requested, and they choose and continue to choose not to resolve any of the issues because to them it is easier to villainize those around them then it is to look in the mirror and take accountability. Of course, they will point fingers saying everyone else is doing what they themselves are doing because it keeps up the facade of fakeness, and it keeps others from learning the truth. They continue to create chaos instead of resolution and there have been many resolution recommendations, but they continue to live in their hatred and delusional state.   Now that Jim has passed, it has been over a year, and I continue to say, "He now knows the Truth of the matter."

A Good Day to Remember the Little Things

We Never know what life has in store for us. Today I was listening to the song by Five for Fighting, "100 years" A part of the song got me thinking it says, "Time to buy and time to choose.. there's never a wish better than this, when you only got a hundred years to live." With only 100 years to live, each day is so important. We have so many choices to makes. How we will start the day, live the day and end the day. There are so many things in life that shape who we are. The saying, "I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it." Can change our perspective. The power of thought, The quality of thinking determines the quality of life. We have to train our minds to see the good in everything, “even if some days we have to look a little harder.” ... “No matter our circumstances, challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish... that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.” Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day. Time is a precious commodity and must not be taken for granted... A smile, a kind word, looking up at the night sky, thunderstorms, a butterfly...There are so many small wonderful things in this world to be enjoyed. The choice of happiness is ours alone to make. When we choose to make fun of, belittle, steal, abuse, be crude or crass, focus on everything that we believe to be wrong in the world or in our own life and being negative...that is the time we let happiness slip through our grasp. I remember growing up and my Aunt and Uncle and cousins always made fun of others, they put them down in the form of crude and crass jokes. They would call others names, make false pictures degrading someone, and outright telling lies about others. Searching for false happiness will never amount to much. Which is why my aunt, uncle, and cousins have never amounted to much, they've had to steal from others in order to fulfill their needs, their pleasure will lead to misery and in the end and they will be remembered as such, a miserable unhappy people who didn't contribute much to society. So long as they continue to down the path they are on, they will continue to dig a hole for themselves. To say 'I wish they would soften their hearts to end this feud" is futile, I mean, look at what happened to two of their family members who wanted to make amends, to move on, to change... I have to remember the positive good things and not let their nastiness bring me down. I was reading in an article and it stated, when we look outside of ourselves and remember the little things having good thoughts, it begins to show in our countenance. Being beautiful has nothing to do with looks, it has everything with how we make others feel. For when we have good thoughts, they start to shine on our faces like sunbeams and we will always look lovely... Today we can make a change, Today is "a time to buy and a time to choose" what it is we want for our life. To be grateful for the little things, family, friends, nature, animals, technology etc. In a time where there is so many negative expectations to bring us down, we can choose to see the beauty and lift others up. This is what my family has chosen to do even though toxic narcissistic family members try to bully us into fear, bully us into not living life to the fullest, in getting caught up in their web of lies, in getting caught up in their games. They would like us to enable them, to keep a "feud" going on because they have nothing else...but we will not. We choose to live life and that is true happiness. We do not let the negative, narcissistic sick toxic people be clouds on our sunshine, I know they want to see me destroyed, (I have always said, and I will always stand by, My family has never wanted to destroy their family. They want to destroy mine...but in the process, they have already destroyed theirs by their own words and deeds... They cannot, however many times they hit, however many times they try to silence, however many times they always prove to be the villain, destroy my family, for our weapon is love and normalcy, things that my uncle will never understand. For if they truly were good people, they wouldn't want us to be quiet, they wouldn't want to "hit us" they wouldn't people to "forget" about the past. I remember the little moments. They aren't so little and will lead to a life of our choosing. Life is about what we think of in the quiet moments. Today is a good day to Remember the Little Things.

A Good Day to Deny Anger

Anger is not an expression of strength. It is an indication of one's inability to control one's thoughts words and emotions. Of course, it is easy to get angry. When the weakness of anger takes over the strength of reason leaves. Anger is not a Macho thing, Anger can lead to greater sins. Anger is yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes. No one can make us angry, anger is a choice. When you choose anger you are choosing Satan over God. I believe my aunt and uncle have chosen anger and I believe have become so toxic in their behavior that they do not know how to choose love. In an article titled "What's happening really Happening with Toxic People." Coach Kim explains, "Most of them (Those who are toxic) are committed to a story that casts you as the bad one, and they need to put you down constantly to distract their focus from their own fears of inadequacy and loss. Most hurtful people are hurt themselves and they focus on judging and criticizing you because dealing with their own issues would be too painful. They usually have a huge fear of not being good enough (or being inadequate, broken or messed up in some way)...They can be very attached to this story because their self-worth is literally dependent on it. They may even need to feed the story and make it bigger by adding new faults and flaws all the time. Adding to this story may even become their safe place and they may spend a great deal of time here, they do this to avoid the deep pain that comes with recognizing they might have issues and problems too. The more fear of failure they have, the more committed they may be in blaming you and making sure everyone knows you were/are the problem. We call this behavior the “Shame and Blame Game” instead of owning the mistake, they go off about the stupid people at work that messed their day up. When any shame experience hits them, they will subconsciously jump to the nearest plausible person to blame... We will also see a (Toxic) person who is quite judgmental of others and find them involved in gossip, criticism, and backbiting now and then. They do this because, again, it subconsciously and temporarily distracts them from their own fears of inadequacy..." She goes on to explain, "Really toxic people (I’m talking about those that are almost impossible to have a productive, respectful relationship with) are usually deeply afraid they aren’t good enough and are afraid of being mistreated or taken from. They may hide these fears behind a great deal of ego and act very arrogant, but underneath it, they are a very scared person." But That is still their choice on how they act. Lynn G. Robbins tells us, “Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart” And so, We also have a choice in how we act towards the people who are toxic in our lives. Seeing their anger for what it is will help us in learning to curb our anger towards them. We are not judging them, we feel sorry for them and have learned that compassion is the answer to anger. Coach Kim goes on to say, "Seeing them (The toxic people) as scared, and not just offensive will help you to have more compassion and less anger around them. We consider these types of people toxic because their fears keep them focused, day and night, on getting, doing, saying or creating whatever they need to quiet those fears. In this state, they are very selfish and are mostly incapable of showing up for anyone else. They are so busy guarding, protecting and promoting themselves, they have nothing left to put into relating with the rest of us." An interesting thing about those who wish to see my family destroyed. They make fun of us when we post things we believe in and get angry when we call the kettle black. They post things about religion and good for them, now if only they lived what they posted. If they truly believed in a God who is loving and caring, and if they truly wanted to walk toward him, then they would give up their hatred. They would reconcile, they would stop putting others down, they would stop making fun of others. They would start living what they claimed, they would be loving and kind, they would actually care. They would actually have a gospel-centered home. But the fact is they are not loving, they do not actually care and they are so jealous that my family has, even though all of the trials we have gone through, continued to be safe. Why are we safe because we actually live what we believe, we live in a gospel-centered home. It is something that my Mum and Grandma have taught us, that we have somewhere to go when the storms of life become too much, that we have a safe place. One reason why we are and will always be okay, our rock is our Savior. We have not, nor will we ever stoop down to their level, taking the high road, keeping our anger in check. Remembering that though we cannot control how others will act towards us we do have the choice on how we will act towards them. President Thomas S. Monson wrote: "...If we so choose, we lose our temper and become angry with others. Ironically, those others are often members of our own families—the people we really love the most." He then relates a sad story of the effects anger can have. "An elderly man disclosed at the funeral of his brother, with whom he had shared, from early manhood, a small, one-room cabin near Canisteo, New York, that following a quarrel, they had divided the room in half with a chalk line, and neither had crossed the line or spoken a word to the other since that day—years before. Just think of the consequence of that anger. What a tragedy!" And that is why I will always try to reconcile. They try to push us away because that is what one does when they have something to hide when they have jealousy and malice in their hearts. They demand others treat them with respect, and they in return make fun of and belittle, they never show the respect they require of others. They find any way they can to harm and divide the family while they contradict their saying "leave us alone" They themselves can't leave alone. As exampled by them stalking this blog looking here at least once a day, combing through, trying to find something anything to throw shade because this is the type of people they are. We do not see eye to eye, and I believe that choices have consequences, I choose to let God be in charge of those and I will try to be kind to your family. Your misinterpretation of harassment is sorrowful, that you choose to remain angry is unfortunate. President Monson concludes, "May we make a conscious decision, each time such a decision must be made, to refrain from anger and to leave unsaid the harsh and hurtful things we may be tempted to say." Do not let the pitfall of anger take over, it will only lead to your own misery. How much joy you miss out on when you choose anger. I have heard it time and time again, Happy is the man/woman who will forgive and let go of their anger. "Take the challenge to rise and be a better version of yourself in spite of (or even through) this experience. This doesn’t mean you accept abuse from them, but it does mean you handle it with as much class, maturity and kindness as possible— while protecting yourself too. Do not let other people decide how happy, miserable, peaceful or upset you will be today. Consciously choose for yourself. Choose the emotions inside you in every moment because letting others dictate how you feel is letting them have power over you, which is what they want." It is a good day to Deny Anger and choose Happiness. 

 

A good day to talk about it

The thing about life is that it is ever-changing, ever-moving. We are not defined by one moment in time, but by many moments in time. Our thoughts become words, our words become actions and our actions become our character of who we are and who we will become. What we learn from our past helps us to dictate how we will move forward in the future. When people choose to put others down, make fun of their names by changing them into something grotesque, make fun of their religious beliefs and so forth, they start to tangle themselves inside a web. The quote that comes to mind, "Oh! What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive" by Sir Walter Scott. That is is the beginning of becoming a toxic person if habits and thoughts are not changed. I often have thought about what could be done to close the rift with my aunt, uncle and cousins... my Grandma and I have discussed this conundrum a couple times, trying to figure out a solution. We have come to the conclusion that there is no solution and it is not on our end, but theirs. We apologized and they just scream "leave us alone" they stay in their bitterness unwilling to receive forgiveness and unwilling to give forgiveness (maybe it is their mental illness that runs in their family), they choose to be fake wounded, they choose to be fake victims, they choose to be offended, they choose to not seek a solution beyond total destruction of my family. For they have never presented any reconciliation solution, they have only continued to try to rewrite the past and push forward their "side," while ignoring everything else. Reconciliation cannot come to pass if one party is unwilling to take the hand that has been extended out to them. We talked at length about how if these family members felt so "offended", and felt so "wronged" why would they not want to tackle the issues head-on in a professional setting. Family counseling was suggested and declined, many times hands were extended as an olive branch but slapped away, apologies were made and rejected. My uncle even stated that simple contact=conflict...that is only their family and is only held to because they have turned toxic. They have finally been able to admit that mental illness runs in their family, but that does not excuse bad behavior. If the angry redhead cannot calm down then maybe the redhead needs to take an anger management course for their anger issues. They do not realize that the world does not revolve around them, sure I write my blog, but this blog is a way for me to heal and close a wound that will never be healed with them. Something that cannot be controlled by them, cannot dictate when I have grieved nor can they silence my perception of the events that have occurred within our family. They play both villain and victim at their whim, they play victim and say "we cut off all ties to toxic family members" but when pressed as to how these people are toxic, their rhetoric becomes circular rambling, they are the villain because they do not want the world to know what they have done, instead spinning tales of delusion. Interesting how they tout "gospel-centered homes," and yet there is such discord within their family. They "claim" that it is always the other people (neighbors, people who see the truth and stand up to their bullying etc) And they claim to again, "cut ties" with those whom they falsely claim are the toxic ones...but interestingly enough, they know the current events of those they claim to have no contact with and they continue to be judgemental, snide, rude, etc. They have "hidden" themselves (interesting at how guilty my aunt acted the day we visited like a kid who's been kicked out of school for writing lies about another...20/20 hindsight) when they took over Uncle Jim's finances and began their long game of ripping apart the family. I speak to my Grandma about it when she wants to; for it is her daughter and grandchildren after all... but other than that, I give them little or no thought, for how can I when my life is full and busy. I have no need to attack them for they attack themselves through their words and actions, they can continue to rip, attack, lash out in any way they can because what is good is, if not totally gone, on the current course is on its way to being gone. They choose to hold onto their false "grudges" their imagined "offenses." We have shocked them because we have remained happy even when they have thrown everything they could in their malice storm. We have always been happy and will continue to be happy. It is unfortunate because I never imagined that my family would come up with real-life villains, but we have, they have chosen to take on the role of villain. The villain never comes out the victor in the end that the world has shown and not only has the world shown it, but religion has shown it to be true as well.