A Good Day to talk about Forgiveness

Through the course of writing this blog, I have thought about and written about my extended family a lot (the purpose of this blog). This blog I have come to realize has helped me through the stages of grief, of losing what I once treasured. I went through denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and now finally I am in the acceptance stage and learning to move forward and forgive them. For me, forgiveness is not totally about them, it is also about me and my mental health. Introspection is very important and being honest with one's self. I am learning to move on and live my life away from them. In this blog, I have written down accounts of what happened and it started out as a way for me to tell my side of things and has evolved into a way for me to put the past behind. I do not hate my extended family, I am learning to forgive them for the things that have transpired. I have always been open to a civil dialogue; I have learned from the past- Trust will take time, and healing takes time. I also will not be bullied, and I know that the conflict does not come from me, until they choose to stop they will always have one-sided conflict and the problem will always lie with them until they learn to accept my family as we are and that we are not going away, we are full of vibrant life. I used to assume that if I forgive my offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while I unfairly suffer from their actions. But now, I am learning to accept that unless something changes on their end, they will always be offended, they will always call the police when a random encounter happens, they will always try to rewrite history, and they will always try to destroy my family. With that acceptance comes a sense of peace and a determination that though those things are true, it is also true that I can live my life (even with the slight disturbance from the police), I can choose to forgive, move forward continue to be happy. For I am learning to live without them, the grieving process is starting to heal from all the loss and I am continuing to climb my mountains. I have been studying up on forgiveness and what it means to forgive. I came across this list and believe it states a lot of the thoughts I have had. Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions. Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters. Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse. Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim role. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with them again. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive, but it probably is not going to happen right after a tragic event. That's okay. We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused. Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited, apathetic, or unreliable. They never will change. We need to change the way we respond to them and quit expecting them to be different. Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude. People will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look outward at them or stay stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our minds on our loving relationship with God, knowing and trusting in what is good. If they don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never ask, we need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and over: Forgiveness is about our attitude, not their action. We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride. Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power. We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive. We might have to forgive more than the event. Post-event problems related to money, we might have the need to forgive again and to seek forgiveness ourselves. We might forgive too quickly to avoid pain or to manipulate the situation. Forgiveness releases pain and frees us from focusing on the other person. Too often when we're in the midst of the turmoil after a tragic event, we desperately look for a quick fix to make it all go away. Some want to "hurry up" and forgive so the pain will end, or so they can get along with the other person. We have to be careful not to simply cover our wounds and retard the healing process. We might be pressured into false forgiveness before we are ready. When we feel obligated or we forgive just so others will still like us, accept us, or not think badly of us, it's not true forgiveness — it's a performance to avoid rejection. Give yourself permission to do it right. Maybe all you can offer today is, "I want to forgive you, but right now I'm struggling emotionally. I promise I will work on it." Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurt occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder of how important forgiveness is." Forgiveness starts with a mental decision. The emotional part of forgiveness is finally being able to let go of the resentment. Emotional healing may or may not follow quickly after we forgive, but it will come.